Anxiety.

You know that nagging voice that makes you question literally every action you do or do not do? That one that makes you click the save button 16 times? Or has you check if the doors are locked 3 times?

I hear her too. Sometimes shes helpful, other times she's a little debilitating.

My voice often keeps me up at night questioning if I'm doing enough. She makes me feel guilt for taking a nap when the kids do or when I don't do the laundry. I hear the voice pick away at me when Dustin makes dinner. That's the housemaker's job. He just worked a full day and will likely get called out again soon. You should be doing it. Except I suck at cooking and he enjoys it. We all became 43 times happier when our 2020 resolution was him taking over cooking our dinners. But I still feel guilt, because my voice tells me it's an area I am failing in.

She tends to emphasize on where I am less than where I am more. She's mean.

My voice is a lot nicer when I get daily movement in and when I take my medication specifically to make her be ;) (anxiety meds, if you missed that).

I am not ashamed to admit I take anxiety medication now, but when I first started about 3 years ago, I definitely did feel shame and guilt. Every once in awhile I feel shame and guilt, like when I had to increase my dose because I wasn't coping with losing our house and symptoms of lupus very well. But, I know its for my own well-being, and honestly the well-being of my family. Happy wife, happy life amirite?

I guess the basis of this entry on anxiety is to combat all the you're handling this so well's and I could never do what you do's or the I don't know how you balance it all's because

I am not handling this any better than I am sure you would.

You can and would do what I do if you were in my shoes, because you have no choice but to.

I don't balance it all. I don't do it all. I have help. I say no. I just don't do things sometimes.

I don't have the typical "village" for help. My help is Dustin. We rely heavily on each other. He cannot do what he does without me and I can't do what I do without him. We are 8 hours from family (2 now from my sister and that would be a lot more fun if COVID wasn't a thing, but its a nice safety net if we needed emergency help) and we have been for our entire parenting life. We've had to grow with each other a lot with each other over the last 3 years; significantly more in the last 6 months.

And while he and I have a firm foundation, I still need some emotional help due to the anxiety that I deal with. I don't experience it as bad as a lot of other humans, but I do experience it. Medication has helped "take the edge off" so to speak with the copious amounts of life changes, struggles, celebrations, and emotional drainage that has come our way.

I've been assured it's alright to be experiencing a stronger sense of question in my choices, but sometimes I feel the need to explain that to others who may not understand it. Through a lot of prayer and allowing myself time to process, I have come to terms with the idea not everyone will understand why I am more hesitant, cautious, or emotional.

If you are struggling with something similar also, I am praying for guidance and relief for you. It weighs heavily on one's heart and mind. I understand; and so does our Heavenly Father.

Much love,

Samantha