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Thankful.

Let's preface this post by stating I am writing it from my bed with my 3 year old snoring loudly, drooling on my pillow. He was protesting bedtime (per usual since the big Halloween/birthday weekend) and I surrendered to letting him sleep in my bed for awhile. In that moment of surrender, I felt annoyed. Just go to sleep, I thought {said, aloud} but in this moment, with a wet pillow and a heel in my side, I realize I may have needed these snuggles more than he did.


Lately, I have felt a lot of pressure {undoubtedly self-induced}. When the kids are napping, I feel an immense need to get at least one of my 3 "must do" tasks done before I collapse into my own bed. And at night, I need to finish whatever I may not have gotten done while Dustin was home before dinner (which often times, is a lot).


My "must do" list never gets shorter. One thing gets crossed off while two more are added on. Plus, I have 3 humans and a dog to keep alive and a house to man. I know the kids are just happy to have a present mom and would eat french fries every meal of their life, but in a world of highlight reels, I've found myself spinning my tires.


Dustin doesn't care if the house is clean and the laundry is caught up, but I do.

The kids don't care if they wear pajamas every day, but I feel like that classifies me as a failure; because I don't get out of my pajamas. Someone has to look put together.

My clients don't care if check ins happen at the end of the day (or even the next day) because they're all sent right down from God himself and I love them, but I care that I'm not responding within a couple hours of their workouts.


As you can see, it's all self-induced. And very privileged stressors to have. I recognize both of those facts.


While I feel this immense level of pressure, I feel an even greater feeling of gratitude.

Gratitude for my husband.

... for my children.

... for my parents; my sister; my in-laws.

... for my friends.

... for my clients.


They have rallied behind me and wrapped me up in this figurative safety blanket. I feel so safe and comforted by who God has blessed me to surround my life with. Not everyone can say that; I haven't even always been able to say that, but I know all the {shitty} people and hard lessons I learned were bringing me to this safe space.


I know when I drop the ball, and begin to crumble, I have a shoulder to turn to. Dustin is my best friend; the love of my life. I can't imagine having to maneuver this with anyone other than him. The level of grace he gives me {when I frankly, don't deserve it} is indescribable. I don't verbalize everything to him insert ridiculous childish pride and stubbornness but he knows me like the back of his hand; I can't get anything past him.


My children are actual angels from heaven. I mean, they're monsters, but they're angel monsters if that makes sense (parents, you get it). They are the bright spot in my days. While it's incredibly hard sometimes to be at the level they need me to be at, I know they appreciate what I have to give more than they can communicate. The snuggles and kisses balance out the tantrums. I honestly don't know if I'd have as much drive to do the things I do since diagnosis if I didn't have them. They are my ultimate motivation to keep my body functioning at its highest potential.


Overall, in a season of overwhelm and pressure, there is a tremendous amount of love and gratitude. The good always outweighs the bad, even on my hardest days. Thankful for my family to lean on, but even more grateful for my Heavenly Father to be there ... even when I may not be ready to face Him yet.


Much love,

Samantha

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